Handling Relationships

Relationships play a vital role in our lives as they influence us in many ways. From various perspectives, the Bhagavad Gita addresses various aspects of our relationships with ourselves as well as others.

Drop Comparisons

As the first step, Krishna advises us to let go of comparisons with others. Krishna says that swa-dharma (own-nature or reality) is superior to well accomplished para-dharma (other’s nature or reality) even when the former is devoid of merit. It’s better to die in swa-dharma than to be fraught with fear in para-dharma (3.35). While dharma or reality is One, we perceive it in different ways like how the proverbial blind men perceive the same elephant differently through their touch. If one perceives it as a tusk then that becomes their reality or swa-dharma. The verse further indicates that one who perceives it as a tusk should keep pursuing his path rather than trying to adopt the beautifully presented version of the one who perceives it as a leg or a tail. The next question that arises is whose perception is superior. All of them are correct in their own way and that’s why Krishna doesn’t encourage comparison when he advises to follow swa-dharma even if it’s devoid of merits. 

Once a rose was smitten by a majestic lotus flower and started nurturing the desire to be a lotus. But there is no way that a rose can become a lotus. The rose wanted to be different from what it is capable of and we have similar tendencies to try to be different from what we are, resulting in the despondency of the kind faced by Arjuna. The rose can change its colour, size and shape, but will remain a rose which is its swa-dharma.

Krishna advises to drop this comparison and says, “Better is swa-dharma (own nature or reality), though without merit, than well performed para-dharma (other’s nature or reality); performing action ordained by one’s nature one incurs no sin” (18.47). Aligning with swa-dharma is to live in tune with ‘existence’ where our karmas are no longer ours but of ‘existence’, hence we incur no sin. It’s like how a rose doesn’t need to put extra effort to blossom, as it happens naturally. It is living a life where the sense of self-worth doesn’t come from being compared.

At the same time, Krishna advises the wise man not to unsettle the ignorant, who is attached to actions (3.26). The indication is that wise man shouldn’t force ignorant to compare with him.  It is like a ripe fruit shouldn’t lure an immature fruit to leave the tree, as the unripe fruit is not yet ready to start an independent journey. It would perish if it didn’t spend time getting the required nourishment from the parent tree.

Friend as well as enemy

Krishna says, “Let man lift himself by himself, let him not lower himself; his self alone is his bandhu (friend/relative), his self alone is his enemy” (6.5) and gives a path to discharge this responsibility when he says, “For him who has conquered his self, the self is his bandhu (friend/relative) but for him who has not conquered his self, the self is verily hostile like the enemy” (6.6)

Firstly, these verses fix the responsibility on each one of us to lift ourselves. The usual tendency is to blame someone else like family, friends, co-workers, circumstances, working conditions, country etc. or even blame ourselves when karmas are performed which are either labelled as bad or haven’t given the desired karma-phal (fruits of action). This leads to many deep-rooted grudges and bitterness against others, sometimes lasting for a lifetime. On the other hand, whenever our memory reminds us of our regrets, we punish ourselves repeatedly.

Secondly, it is about overcoming the sense of inadequacy we feel about ourselves by embracing our perfections as well as imperfections. Thirdly, when we are friends with ourselves, there is no place for loneliness which is the main reason for depression, anger and addiction to substances or screens. This helps us remain joyful without depending on anyone especially when one approaches old age. Finally, it’s about living a balanced life by taking care of ourselves physically, mentally, socially and spiritually so that each aspect of life is well tended to.

Wisdom in the self

There is another reason for us to be our friend as well as enemy.Once the Creator was thinking about where to conceal ‘that’ wisdom after attaining which nothing is left to be attained. His wife suggests a high mountain or a deep sea but both were discarded as man can climb or swim. It was then decided to keep this wisdom inside man, while man searches for it outside for lifetimes. This metaphor makes it easy for us to understand when Krishna says, “Certainly, nothing in this world is as sanctifying as wisdom. In due course of time, he who has perfected yoga finds it in the self” (4.38). The essence is that ‘wisdom’ is in the self and by the same measure everyone has it. It’s the question of realising it both in self and others. Krishna further says, “Shraddha-vaan (one with shraddha) and jitendriya (one who won senses) attain wisdom leading to parama-shanti (supreme peace)” (4.39). Krishna gives contrast and says, “The ignorant, devoid of shraddha is ruined and there is no happiness for him in this world or the other” (4.40).

Awareness and Compassion.

It is said that awareness and compassion are two oars of the boat in the spiritual journey. Peak of awareness is ‘seeing the self in all beings and all the beings in the self’ (6.29). Being compassionate towards fellow beings is equally important and the same is reflected when Krishna says that the best yogi is he who feels for others, whether in grief or pleasure, as he feels for himself (6.32). It’s the coherence of awareness and compassion.

Krishna further says, “A devotee who doesn’t agitate (udveg) the world and who is not agitated by the world, who is free from pleasure, jealousy, fear and anxiety; who is free from expectations, pure, neutral to circumstances, free from selfishness in all undertakings –is dear to Me” (12.15 and 12.16). ‘Not getting agitated and not agitating others’ is the highest form of living. While awareness helps us free ourselves from agitation, our compassion ensure that we don’t agitate others.